Saturday, March 10, 2018

"Kim Jong Un's Hair Conclusively Explained."

Nobody can explain Kim Jong Un's hairstyle, any more than they can explain the ethereal dust bunny atop Trump's "bonce". That is its explanation. Kim Jong Un's hair is a sardonic direct reference to Trump's hair –– a taunt. Why else would it exist? He permanently slicks back his hair to demonstrate his thick head of hair, evident without any transparency. Trump constructs his calendar, his whole life around avoiding having his hair mussed except in controlled, deeply partisan environments (vide the Jimmy Fallon TV appearance). Kim Jong Un shaves the sides, in a particularly erratic style, to prove that he needn't scrape material from the back and sides of his head over the top of his head (as Trump does and must).

Trump has hair at the sides and the back, like any baldheaded man, which he must artfully drag up and over his head and then seal in place using industrial-strength glues. 

Trump is like a disgraced samurai (NO HE ISN'T) who has had his topknot cut off (NO HE ISN'T) and so his hair hangs down like a humiliated Haight-Ashbury hippy who still haunts the old scene. In the bushido this is an offence to the personal honour that can only be resolved by ritual suicide. 

More accurately, Trump is like our old friend Dog the Bounty Hunter, who similarly uses day-glo paints to dye his hair and then utilizes a complex wattle-and-daub tapestry technique to keep his bald areas hidden from fake news organizations and Bob Mueller-guided "Deep State" government drones. 

How it must burn Trump up that Kim Jong Un has no need of hair at the side of his bead –– he positively shaves it off in a cavalier manner –– because he has the upper part of a human hairstyle on his head. Not even the bottom part –– he doesn't need that. It's like he had his barber cut off the lower part of the hairstyle because it was redundant. After all, Kim Jong Un (editors –– should I refer to him as "Un"?) only lives to tease Trump, it's the only fun he gets out of life. 

Heck gosh it's the only fun any of us can have at the moment

Thursday, March 8, 2018

"Stormy Versus the State."

On Wolfe Blitzer's CNN show lately he's been asking everybody he can about Stormy Daniels. He starts to stammer, his palms become clammy, he coughs and groans inwardly in tormented horror and delight grotesquely combined, as he leads the subject –– any subject –– around to Stormy Daniels.

One moment he is asking the worthy senator from Rhode Island about the steel tariff or about the Mueller investigation and then he will spontaneously all but abandon the subject, brush it aside as though it were so much lint, fluff, nasal discharge and say instead "What about St– St–– Stttt–– Stormy Daniels the porn star Stormy Daniels?"

Jack Reed (the Rhode Island senator in question) was flustered too –– he actually said that there was a "stormy path" ahead for President Combover, and he didn't even cover himself by adding, "PUN INTENDED!"

Wolfe was too busy wiping his forehead with a handkerchief to say "NO PUN INTENDED SENATOR!"

Poor old Laura Coates was drafted in to talk about the legalese of the matter when Wolfe plainly just likes to hear Stormy's name said aloud, particularly by women.

He plainly delights in talking of her, but he always brings her up awfully politely, like a nervous professor at a cathouse, fiddling with his bowtie and with a bunch of daffodils in his hand. "Is–– is–– is–– is the porn star Stormy Daniels receiving visitors?"


Thursday, March 1, 2018

"Hope Hicks Jokes."

Has anybody made this joke yet? I've been out of the "Foggy Bottom loop" because I'm working as a temp in a laboratory and I haven't been able to watch CNN twenty-six hours a day like usual.

"Trump's lost Hope."

"Trump is now more Hopeless than ever.'

"Fucking Hopeless."

There is further fun to be had from this woman's name that sounds like a classic character from a comic book (Lois and Lucy Lane, Lana Lang, Wally West, Peter Parker &c. &c.).

"Trump Loses Hicks."

"Hicks No Longer Supporting Trump."

"Trump Abandoned by Those Knuckle-Dragging Hayseeds and Mouth-Breather Hillbillies Who Voted Him Into Power."

Lastly, my wife said last night, "Define a white lie anyway."

I cracked back: "Lies by white people."

Saturday, February 24, 2018

"Trumpy Trumpy North Philly."

Did you see Overblower Don in funky funky North Philly the other night? Did you, then, perhaps, also mark the triple-decker peanut-butter deluxe Clif Bar nutburger behind him? Yes, the gentleman on the right (Trump's left) with the quaker beard.

I feel like Trump employs the former casting director of Justified to get crowds behind him at rallies. It's as though he singles out the most snaggletooothed [sic], outre, Southron Gothic nondescripts he can get to attend his rallies. It's like he's thinking, "Who are the most ridiculous, upsetting-looking vermin I can locate and exploit?" In the old days Barnum loosed good Johnny Greenwood on the wider world to "curate" exaggerations and distortions from humanity's terrific warp, woof and tapestry. Barnum had "agents" to plunder the exotic countries for the shock of the new the exotic the unprecedented.  Does Trump have a John Greenwood hired exclusively to chase up these hare-lipped cloven-hoofed wights wyverns and mermen? Or –– awful thought –– could it be a natural fact that anybody who attends a Trump rally does so because they are already warped, distorted, exaggerated, possess tails &c. &c. &c.? Made vile and mean by the poxy souls within them?

Like in comics shops, are the faithful brethren there every Wednesday (in the "variants queue" even) because they were teased at school and did they became comics readers as an inevitable result? Or did reading comics stunt and gnarl their natural growth &c. &c. &c.?

* * * * * * * * * * *
Trump at CPAC. He went "off-script" and started rabble-rousing the audience (or, if you are unkind, the "rabble"). In his delirium he flailed wildly about for a Nazi flag but couldn't find one alas. A thing that he did instead was to make a quip and then point at people in the audience. "I see you." "I see you, laughing with me." "You and I are alike." "You and I are kindred spirits." When did this pointing motif begin and what is its purpose? I know Hillary Clinton did it too. But Trump is the most blatant demagogue ever. He is like demagoguery from central casting. When he had quite  finished pointing at the audience, he clapped gently with a smug look on his face, before crucially playing with his mic and mic stand.

By the way, did you see Rick Gates's contrite look? He grew a beard. It suits his new mood of gravity and candour. Is he to go out also in sackcloth and ashes, a penitente even, flogging himself in the street with a cat o' nine tails?

Meanwhile... Laura Coates looked great this week on Don Lemon.

Monday, February 5, 2018


"Love is lovely."  U-ROY.

Irritated my wife badly by perfectly reasonably pointing out that Melania is the best looking First Lady in the history of the "form".

"Say what you will..." I began –– always a bad start.  I put all the obloquy on hold for a moment to remark, magnanimously, "He's a lousy feral shitbird of a Prez, he's a spoilt child AWOL in possession of a golfcart on the world stage, he possesses a negative Amazon rating for charm, wit and a hairstyle, he wears clown shoes in bed, all that I concede, but it remains that his wife is the best looking wife a President ever had. I don't like it any more than you do –– I wish with emotional sincerity that his wife was butt-ugly! –– but there it is. She ain't. She fine."

"Did you ever see Eleanor Roosevelt? Or 'Lady Bird' Johnson? More like 'Stag Beetle'! Sheesh, the previous holder of the title was Mistress Bush. No not that amateur sumo wrestler Barbara –– I'm talking about Laura! Jackie Kennedy was not even in the running. She wore her eyeballs on the actual sides of her head."

I resisted saying, "It is what it is."

I also wisely resisted continuing by arguing with my wife that Stormy Daniels is not, as my wife claims, a "hook-nosed blowtard," and that I actually albeit very sheepishly found her quite attractive too.

I will say absolutely nothing about Ivanka.

Monday, January 29, 2018

"Trey Gowdy Vs. Mark E. Smith"

Since returning to England wife and I have been watching CNN (American) and Bravo imports on Hayu almost exclusively. Like millennials, we don't watch TV as it used to be envisaged. We do not crowd around the telly with mum and gran for Corrie or Eastenders or  Holby City or Dancing With the Stars. We do not follow the mad works of Theresa May, Jeremy Corbyn, Bill Brewer, Jan Stewer, and the other people whoever they are. We do not allow the mad works of Theresa May, Jeremy Corbyn, Dan'l Whiddon, Arry Awke and especially Peter Gurney to interfere in our fun.

We illegally streamed CNN America on a channel named after, for reasons that were never clear, the Hulk. One day the Hulk was banished. Did Dr. Strange send him to the crossroads of reality? We scrabbled for replacements. We must watch Don Lemon, Anderson Cooper, Chris Cuomo, Wolf and Kate Bolduan (on maternity leave and with terrible stand-ins) and we resent it when Amanpour or Richard Quest blunder in on our programming as it is on English CNN.

How to describe it when Don Lemon at the height of one of his ecstasies of spleen is interrupted abruptly by the grey monotone of the interloper Amanpour with her piffling stuff from the postcolonial planet. Take me back to Foggy Bottom –– now.

CNN in Britain and Europe is earnestly capitalistic, rubbing its palms over Dubai and Africa and China like dull economics students from public school. How many times have I seen that advert with the rapper from the Middle East.  Then the story about the nuns who have "donated their brains to the study of dementia". It shows a nun quipping, "What good is it to do me when my brain is six feet under?"

Don't they believe in the eternal resurrection?

The Europeans at Davos, oblivious, barefacedly greedy, giving Trump a "ow you say, a fair shake of the whip".

All this is preamble to the fact that Mark E. Smith died on Wednesday and I didn't even know about it til today, although I had been keenly following stories such as Trey Gowdy backpedalling over Mueller and the ongoing obscure machinations of Devin Nunes, not to mention the minutiae in the lives of Stassi Shroeder, Scheana Shay and that interesting personage James Kennedy, the "white Kanye".

I phoned up my brother today to say, "Uhhh... whatsitcawled... did you see that Peter Wyngarde died?"
"Yes," he said. "And what about Mark E. Smith?"
"What about Mark E. Smith? How is Mark?" I said, quite oblivious. "I am only interested in Trey Gowdy."

I am only interested in Nikki Haley (AKA "Niki Hoeky")

Nikki Hokey [sic] swears she isn't having an affair with Trump. Says she's only been on Air Force One the wunst. This sort of rhetorical device –– diversion by employing an ancillary factoid –– is suspicious. It's like Trump saying he didn't have Russian prostitutes urinate on him because he's got a hygiene neurosis.

Nikki Hokey should have said, "What I don't know about this scurrilous ugly rumour is: who is more insulted by the allegation? Who comes off worse in the transaction if I snog the Prez?"

Last observation. Wife and I were watching Chris Cuomo's late night show.
He's on in the morning and he's on late at night.
I said, "When does this guy sleep?"

Does he sleep?

Where do you go to my lovely, when you're alone in your bed?

Forget I said that.

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

"Steve Bannon Looks GREAT!" B/W "Devin Nunes Kit-Kats."

Devin Nunes is the worst.

I'm like Arya Stark with her list of people she doesn't much like. Right at the top of my long list are Stephen Miller, Mike Pence and Devin Nunes.

Journalists are collectively, and quite obviously, trying to get Stephen Miller fired by saying that he is manipulating Trump. They're trying to get Trump angry at him by saying that he's trying to steal the limelight from Trump. But Trump is perverse and he might work out what they're doing and he'll like Stephen Miller even more, because everybody hates Stephen Miller just like everybody hates Trump. Well it is said that "my enemy's enemy is my friend."

Trump likes people who people hate.
Trump hates people who people like.

I was so incensed by Devin Nunes skidding about DC, his latest frantic clowning around Foggy Bottom, that I started trying to draw pictures of his face with a pencil and some post-it notes that were close to hand.

There is a particularly funny picture of him online, the first one that comes up when you Google him indeed, where he is trying (I believe) to smile, but the concept is alien to him and instead he is obviously seething with fury. His lips are a membrane stretched tight across clenched teeth. I used that as a model.

I drew some pictures of his face and then –– unconnected –– I took two chunky Kit Kats out of a biscuit tin. I thought, "I'm going to put them in the fridge."

They were in the biscuit tin, but I needed a knife to cut them into small pieces, and it would be more convenient to put them like I said in the fridge.

I am on a diet so given how many calories there are in a chunky Kit Kat I thought, "I'll be good, I'll only have a third at a time," so I have been cutting them up into three bite-sized treats.

You are probably wondering what this has to do with Devin Nunes.

Well I'll tell you.

I had the Kit Kats and the post-it notes with pencil drawings of Devin Nunes on them both in front of me on the coffee table, and I thought, "What if I could wrap those post-its around the two Kit Kats, I wonder whether they would stay in place. You could have a Devin Nunes Kit Kat."

I did it and you can and I do.


"Sloppy" Steve is finally out of the news. When people reach a certain level of suspiciousness and they go on "Bob" Mueller's Arya Stark-like list,  they suddenly disappear from the public eye. You might be forgiven for thinking that they are perhaps inside a maximum-security undersea prison complex like "The Vault" in Marvel Comics, there for their own safety to keep them from black-ops wetworks assassins in the hire of UBERCOMBER DON. Or are they all hiding out with Kevin Spacey, Harvey Weinstein and Louis CK at an Arizona "clinic"? Where for example is "Joseph Mifsud," the enigmatic absent-minded Maltese Professor straight from the pages of Graham Greene?, or that oleaginous toady Rob Goldstone? Where is "Strzok" and his "lover" (––D.J. Trump) Lisa Page? Where oh where in this hour of need is Christopher Steele with his eighties footballer hairstyle? As Boyd Rice would say, "Come back, come back!"

Rob Goldstone is, on inquiry, apparently in Thailand, "writing a book."
Yes Mr. Goldstone I'm sure you went to Thailand to "write a book"! Their famously colorful liberality when it comes to sexual mores just happens to be a coincidence!

About Steve, I was reading the Wolff book and perhaps the most shocking thing of all that I read in it was Bannon's age.

I said to my wife, "How old do you think Steve Bannon is? Go on, have a guess."
"I don't know," she said crisply, tired of my little mind games.

(Another time, I showed her a drawing of a New York street scene that looked like a rather amateurish version of a Saul Steinberg sketch, with little yellow cabs and crappy skyscrapers in a naive outsider hand.
I said, "Whaddaya think of that? Nice, right?"
She said, "Yes, did you do it?"
I was elated that I had caught her so well in my awful sinister trap.

She was sorely miffed.)

Anyway, I said "how old do you think Steve Bannon is?"
She said "55".
I said, "No, he's 63."


Even so even I can't quite believe what I said then:

"63. He looks great for his age."